I woke up this morning to an article trending on Linkedin. It was from USA about the best things that fathers of children with special needs should do. What do Indian dads do, I started to think? In all these years of clinical practise, if I had to identify best practises that dads followed, what would they be? Culturally, Indian dads are breadwinners.

They are all equally anxious; they all want the best for their families. There are a few who play out roles beyond the traditional one. I have watched and learnt from them. So, here (with a silent thank you to all those dads whom I learnt from, and who shall remain anonymous) I share my list of best practices for dads.

1. Acceptance– this is my first. I have seen dads provide unconditional love and support to their child. There is no bigger gift than that. Dads that just live the moment seemed to do it so naturally, they would have conversations with their totally non verbal child irrespective of whether there was a response or not. I have seen them get amply rewarded in the strong bonds they develop with their child.
2. Humour– Some dads take the pressure off by looking at life through a”humour prism.” These are dads who are always smiling, will find something positive to say. Sure, their life is tough but they made the choice to take it in their stride. I have seen mothers feel visibly relaxed when cocooned in this atmosphere.
3. Looking at the bigger picture– while moms were focused on getting their child to move from milestone A to milestone B, these dads focused on the child as a whole. Dads provided the fun element- be it through music and dance, rough and tumble games or regular visit to the park. Over time I have seen these evolve into actual strengths that the family took great pride in. I remember one annual day when a child we were working with had us enthralled with his front and back flips and all manners of difficult yoga poses. I can also vividly see his dad beaming with pride and sharing the joy.
4. Resisting the big city syndrome– Sometimes dads help all of us remember there is more to life than therapies. That everyone, especially the child needs a life. After a point it is about making sure that the child has the best quality of life and is not living life as a series of classes (a big city syndrome!)
5. Support– These fathers recognize the weight of their wives responsibilities in the multiple roles that moms play out, shouldering some of it well. I have seen dads nurture the family by helping with schedules, providing back up and take on specific aspects of the intervention program. Top on my mind as I write this is the working couple who consulted for their child with Asperger’s syndrome. The family was already dealing with a lot when they got the diagnosis. Mother’s health, mother’s work, grandparents with health issues, quite a bit for anyone to handle. Dad took on a lot of back up. On days that mum couldn’t make it he’d be there, an artist himself he chipped in drawing the necessary visuals, more important imbibed the process and absorbed how to interact effectively with his child. Talking his child through his anxieties was second skin to him. They ve emerged on top, winners all the way.

Finally, it takes a village to raise a child. Dads are important integral parts of the village; choices they make define outcomes for the village.