The readers’ response to my note on Dads got me thinking about Moms. What are some of the best practises for Moms? What have I learnt from them and about them in all these years?

Oxygen First– I love the airplane analogy. O2 masks on the mother first and then the child. It is a marathon not a race, and so sustenance is critical. Emily Pearl Kingsley hits the nail on the head with her poem, “Welcome to Holland” (http://www.child-autism-parent-cafe.com/welcome-to-holland.html).

You embarked on your parenting journey with a road map for Italy but landed in Holland. Lots of gears to be shifted, new guide books to be bought, more work to be done before you can enjoy Holland. Set yourself free to enjoy the very special, very lovely things about Holland.

Changing the gears– Just as there are a myriad ways to learn to drive, each mom’s trajectory towards acceptance and strength is different. Some just roll their sleeves and get on with it, it seems to come instinctively. Few others need a little nudging and prompting. Few need the theory, the reading to understand. Many need to see, watch and learn.

Parenting 24×7 is tough job! Seek help when you need to. Before you begin, ensure you are well oxygenated. Do not hesitate to seek a Counsellor’s help if shifting gears is too hard. Every so often, some of us need a driving school- learning to drive from dads, uncles or a brother doesn’t work for us! Overwhelming feelings of sadness, anxiety are natural when in a strange place and if you need help to navigate there- get it.

Time is of essence– As an early interventionist, working with very young children, I cannot emphasise enough the importance of “now”. To quote Gabriela Mistral,“Many things we need can wait. The child cannot. Now is the time his bones are being formed, his mind developed. To him we cannot say tomorrow, his name is today”. Intensive positive engagement with the child in the initial years yields the best outcomes for your child.

Talk, talk and TALK – Your child may not be responding but he is absorbing. Talk to him about things he sees, feels, about your thoughts, share. Share –even when there is no response from the child. This is only temporary. Your child will respond but to wait for that to happen before you begin is too long. One of the earliest children I worked with was a Sikh boy who attended therapy with his Christian Nanny. He uttered his first words about eight months into therapy, “Kiss the Cross” he said. This is what nanny had been saying to him all these months. To quote my mentor Dr.Karanth,” the child whose mother can talk until her jaw drops is the one who will benefit maximally”.

You are only human– there will be days when you slip, when you cannot take it anymore. It’s Ok. Take a break. If you need quiet time away from it all- ask for it rather fight for it I say. Look for resources around you that can provide you the back up. Tell your spouse about it. Men are from Mars, so communicate. I remember a mother whose husband forced her to get out for a weekend with her girl friends. She returned all enthused, ready to take it on again .Moving forward, she ensured she got her occasional get away.

Celebrate– You had no say in getting to Holland, but what you make of it is entirely your choice. You have the power to teach yourself to smell the flowers, celebrate the milestones. Make time for the celebrations.

Positive language– Discussing you child’s difficulty, sharing your anxieties in your child’s presence is a big no. This is counterproductive, response to intervention drops significantly in such scenarios.

Find time as a couple-Navigating in Holland can put a strain on the couple. Couples need to steal some special moments. This may not be easy, yet this is critical. Identifying something you could do together; putting this into the schedule (!), teaching one another to communicate could be good starting points. I have seen couples almost reach the brink, unable to bear the strain of it all and yet work together to stick together. It may require some work though.

Humor- Good old fashioned humor is a fantastic stress buster. “Hey Prabhu!” said the MPs in Parliament this week as our Railway Minister presented his maiden budget. I said those words long ago in my sessions when some children would drive me up the wall. Hey Prabhu! I would say sometimes aloud, give me the strength; this child is driving me nuts. Making light of a difficult moment often works.

Finally, Tracy Byrd’s country song, “when mama ain’t happy nobody happy so daddy’s gonna make mama happy tonight”, sums it up for me.